a prayer

saturday 1 am Jerusalem

tonight at the hostel a jewish british student, doing his masters from a parisian university and living now in jerusalem for the past two months, asked me why Hajj was such a transformative experience for me. whether there was any moment in particular that caused the change.

we were interrupted in our conversation by the man who cleans the common areas of the hostel, but it remains a good question.

certainly i think that, alhamdolillah, there were special moments before, during, and after Hajj. and i think i would say that Allah subhanahu wata ala could have wrought the same changes in me by any means. but Hajj figures prominently in the path He chose for me.

in the years before Hajj, Allah subhanahu wata ala permitted me to live a life in which i grew in arrogance and disobedience. my faith ebbed at times and swelled at others, but i was generaly on a path of disobedience.

then Allah subhanahu wata ala gave the slightest touch and like a house of cards my life began to crash about me in a matter of weeks or days.

i recognized that i had sinned, but when i repented to Allah, i had so little knowledge that i had to pray for guidance: "O Allah guide me, please, for i do not even know what words to call You by. i do not know how to seek Your Forgiveness, only that i cannot survive without Your Mercy."

and i remembered that Hajj was a means of expiation, so i resolved to go if i could, and i prayed to Allah to make it possible for me.

the next few months were generally very difficult for me. i started attending a congregation near my home. they were nice people, but they were not on the sunnah, and i learned only after Hajj how misguided they were.

i read a popular translation of the Quran, and discovered after Hajj that the translator was heavily influenced by western philosophy, and that his translation had many defects as a result. for example, he denied or sought to explain "plausibly" the many miracles mentioned in the Quran.

but Allah subhanahu wata ala made it easy for me to take those small steps, alhamdolillah, and in a matter of months He provided for me the means to go for Hajj when i had not had the power to provide for myself.

the Hajj i had had in mind would have been very different from what Allah blessed me with, alhamdolillah. He caused me to give the news of my Hajj intention to my parents before anyone else. the tawfiq (providence) of it was that my parents immediately said they would accompany me. rather than subject them to what i had planned for my hajj of atonement, i let them make all the arrangements.

and the group of people they chose was a wonderful group of practicing and knowledgable Muslims. i could write a whole series of posts about my experiences with them, alhamdolillah.

by the time i woke up in the valley of Muzdalifa on the day after Arafat, on Eid ul Adha, i wanted something i had never really wanted before in my whole life: to be close to Muslims and to grow in my love for Muslims, so that on the Day of Resurrection, i would be among Muslims.

sitting in my hotel room in Makkah a few days after the Hajj rites had been completed, i realized that the forgiveness of all my past sins, alhamdolillah, was a gift like no other.

and yet if i were to return to my life without making changes, then i would likely accumulate a great many more sins because life in the west is full of minor and major sins. and i had not accumulated much knowledge on which to base a virtuous life.

so you could say that that was the point at which i resolved to make whatever changes were necessary in my life such that i would abstain from what displeases Allah and would strive for what pleases Him.

and the year and a half, alhamdolillah, since Hajj has been a continuous process of (1) learning more knowledge and (2) making changes (some more drastic than others).

at first the changes were dramatic enough that i felt sure i had made enormous progress. but every time i would gain a little more knowledge or insight, and often both, and come to the realization that i faced another big step.

during this Umrah, in particular, i have resolved to improve my character and manners, my akhlaque. i have been studying a dua from Fortress of the Muslim since I read it in Makkah. on friday i had the tawfiq to read a surah which contains much of the same language.

i was so moved that i snapped pictures of both pages from the mushaf. the gist of the verses is "i turn my face to the One Who created the heavens and the earth, faithful to Him, I am not among those who take partners with Him. my prayers, my devotion, my life, and my death, are all for Allah, Sustainer of all creation."

alhamdolillah, the full dua from hadith continues in Fortress to include a prayer for being guided to good character because no one guides to good character except Allah. i pray that He will accept my good deeds, and forgive me my mistakes and sins -- the ones that i know, and the ones i do not perceive. only He can guide a person to the best character, and i pray that He will guide you and me both, inshaAllah.